Let Love Out :)

Journey Home (by Tagore)

The time that my journey takes is long and the way of it long.

I came out on the chariot of the first gleam of light, and pursued my
voyage through the wildernesses of worlds leaving my track on many a star and planet.

It is the most distant course that comes nearest to thyself,
and that training is the most intricate which leads to the utter simplicity of a tune.

The traveler has to knock at every alien door to come to his own,
and one has to wander through all the outer worlds to reach the innermost shrine at the end.

My eyes strayed far and wide before I shut them and said `Here art thou!'

The question and the cry `Oh, where?' melt into tears of a thousand
streams and deluge the world with the flood of the assurance `I am!'

I found part of the above poem by Tagore on the cover of a Taiwanese DVD. I awoke today grasping for things. I wanted to do and be and become. I wanted my meditation to be something. I wanted to be peaceful and still. I wanted a sexy woman lying in bed next to me. I wanted to meet people for coffee. I was not still and I wanted to be still. The funny thing is, that the desire for stillness stops me from being still. I read Krishnamurti. He said that the greatest revolution happens when we start to observe what is, without trying to turn it into something. I made a commitment to myself to observe myself today.

I chatted to some friends online. I called a friend and went and met her, and had some dinner. Riding on the MRT to meet her, I was thinking about capitalism, and how to create value for other people. One of my goals is to create value for the world through following my bliss. So, I each day I focus on people and ask myself what is important to them. All the clichés come to mind; love, security, peace, pleasure. Yet, with all that, I didn’t feel any closer to understanding them. Then, I though about what is important to me. What makes me most deeply happy. I realized disturbingly that I could not name it, maybe because I was lost in the seeking mind.

I went to meet my friend, and she started to talk about her happiness, and how objects and money were not satisfying for her. We spoke about things like yoga and creative work which seem to feed the soul, and through the conversation, it became clear that real happiness lies in expressing our highest goodness. That’s the key, happiness lies in living what is healthy for ourselves, and it lies in expressing, in living, our soul.
I left my friend to buy new curtains for my room, as I am redecorating and painting my living area. I have been putting off the new curtains for too long, and today I had to buy some more. As I walked around, I realized I was pursuing the higher good for my living area. I was feeling increasingly happy and radiant, in a soft and beautiful way, and my unreasonable happiness from the day before was returning.
A lot has happened the last two years, with kundalini energy working through me and painfully stripping me and opening me and I am slowly learning (with a lot of trial and error) how to live. I was enjoying the feeling of happiness and wellbeing towards everything around me, and continuing to think about happiness, what I am doing with my life, where I am focusing my energy, and so on, and I was thinking about my goals for this year.
It came clear that my happiness has to be an expression of this love. So, I started to ask myself how love expresses itself. The common version is in a romantic relationship, which is a thinking trap I often fall into. My memory drifted back to a blog by my dear friend bryce (www.brycoad.gaia.com/blog) where he spoke about love. My thoughts were similar. First, I have to express this love and wellbeing, and I can do it by first, being the best I can be, by bringing my consciousness to bear on myself. That means paying my best attention to my eating, my exercise, my habits, reducing the number of Long Island Iced Teas I drink, by committing to learning, to growing, to responsibility, and so on. It means committing to others, and committing to inspiring them, to calling them to health, to doing what I can to raise them to their highest potentials, to inspiring, to awakening, to creating beauty and goodness and truth that they can relate to and which can pull them higher.

There is a subtle catch, which makes all the difference. For a long time I have wanted to do the things I have spoken about in the above paragraph. I have often made progress, yet it has often been difficult and a feeling of work. Something hasn’t always been right and I have not been able to put my finger on it, and today, I think I finally got it.
Idealism has to die.


“What?” you shout. “What’s left if we don’t have dreams and ideals and goals and plans?”

Yes. Idealism has to die.

Idealism has to be negated, transcended, and included, included in love. You have to die to any idea that reaching your ideal will somehow save you.  Idealism as a project of the ego has to be died to, and each time that you find myself drifting into the fantasy that now is not ok, and that things will be ok when different conditions are met or desires are satisfied, I have drifted into idealism. I have fallen into the mind realm and blocked the light of love that shines from behind. I cant try and reach the light again, as that very effort blocks the light. I can, however, pay immaculate attention to what is in my inner world, and that releases me into freedom. I gotto be very very careful here. Paying attention with the end in mind of freedom is still goal orientated, so I can only witness, or rather, allow witnessing to happen. I just keep noticing what is, incuding my subtle ambitions.

And so, idealism is died to through the light of awareness, and love starts to shine through, and in my opening, in my emptiness, the light and joy fill me and are allowed to radiate out. And then, from this place of fullness and love, I can start to act. I can write, and listen, and dream, and give hope, and take action, and commit to health, and I can actually express love and live love. The love desires for me to act. I can recognize that now. Love desires for me to do the best I can for myself and for others, and all I have to do is let it move me. A most natural motivation emerges. I become an instrument of Spirit. Eros starts to shape the world around me.

So, my mistake before, was that I desired my highest good, but I did not know love. And, as the scriptures go, if I have not love, I have nothing. I get it now. There is a reason why the scriptures say those words. The ego knows nothing of love. It’s just the heart, and so, you gotto learn to let your heart move you. Its maybe one of the hardest things in the world, learning to hear and trust the heart and letting it move you. If you don’t know how to do that, you will never be happy.