Personal growth and little flip outs

Well, its been another of those fun weeks. The resolution is summarized by these beautiful lines, from a recording I have. I dont know who wrote them or says them; they just ring true.

'rest in natural great peace,
this exhausted mind.
Beaten helplessly by karma and neurotic thoughts.
Like the relentless fury of the pounding waves
in the infinite ocean of samsara.
Rest in natural great peace.
To find rest.'

My kundalini process took a strange turn this week. I was feeling very blocked in the neck and shoulders last week and through some strange events, ended up with a chinese traditional healer who diagnoses energetic blockages using iridology. He identified the blocked area in my shoulders, and then gave me a type of powerful massage to unblock the area.

I spent the next few days bringing awareness to that area, asking what I was blocking. I was also feeling very bored with myself, and feeling frustrated in my speech and my action. My kundalini has been working in my arms and hands as well, so I made a connection that I have issues expressing myself in action and work in the world.

In the preceding weeks before, I had had several dreams of the old president leaving, and the new president taking his office. The new president was characterized by service and genuine interest in the well being of others, as opposed to the outgoing president who was motivated by self interest.

In a nushell, there has been a lot of inner shifting. On top of this, I have been spending time with a new friend, who is wise and whose opnion I value. Anyway, last week I realized that I had to express myself, and I had to identify with my realization of my true self, and that I was moving into an identity as a spiritual teacher. My egoic self has to adjust to reflect this new identity, and i need to identify with this new role, before I can transcend it.

My wise friend and I started butting heads in the week. As I was identifying with the ego that speaks its truth and holds firm to its values, my friend made some comments to me about me which were contrary to some of deepest values. She is often right about many things, yet here I felt she was wrong, and I stood my truth, as well as called for a process of dialogue with her to understand where these viewpoints were coming from, so we could move to a clearer understanding of our situation.

I did not feel understood by her, and one of my assumptions of friendship is that we are not isolated islands each with our own stories (which is true from one perspective) but my process is equally the process of those around me, and we need to inhabit each others interiors, in mutual embrace, to grow and learn. I made the mistake of expecting her to adopt my value system, and i identified strongly with that value system. She reacted strongly, feeling such an approach was an invasion of her boundaries.

My head was noisy after our spirited discussion and she was very angry with me. It has taken me two days of reflection, shadow work and just an intention to let go to return to an inner state of ease.

What was interesting was my ability to trust this process of being with the mind. So often sprituality is equated with being with ones sensory feelings, yet the mind is in itself also a valid experience. Who is there to witness this? What is the awareness that illuminates this thinking experience? I did not have to try and change my thinking or make it go away. It was nice to spend two days with these  thoughts, watching the mind being beaten by karma, and watching it slowly settle.

Tonight, I feel at ease again, yet I am stunned by the ferocity of my self contraction in the week. The kundalini energy is powerful; it just magnifies every experience I have and slowly I am learning to deal with that, to work with it. The process is own it, identify, express, and then let go...

So what is my message in this blog? Perhaps it is just to be allowed to be a messy human. An awakened mind does not necessarily mean that emotions and thoughts are always nice and loving. It means that one is able to be with ones experience without judgement, without condemnation, without aversion of undue attraction. To be with oneself in all that arises, and to be deeply curious about that. Thats the key to self learning, to the unfolding of the self. And slowly, if we can be with the difficulty, then the soul is purified and natural love and natural goodness start to increase, becoming stronger and stronger.

With love
Bruce