Kundalini Confusion

I awoke this morning feeling exhausted again. Yesterday I had the same feeling. I had dreams which I can’t remember properly of something trying to emerge and which is a part of me. I had a lot of stiffness in my neck and across my upper back and lower throat and collarbone area. Last night I had nadi releases in my thighs and knees and sides and back and neck and head, often simultaneously. I go to sleep with vibrations and I awake with vibrations; the process is endless. The neck and throat and shoulder region have been tight and tense for a few weeks now. I work with them every day using 3 Body workout, bioenergetics, yoga, weights, whatever I can. I do shadow work and search for the blocks in my body, yet every time it’s a difficult process of letting go. This has been the story of my life for the past year and a half, and I am pretty tired of it. It manifests in confusion and despair. I have quite a few plans and things I want to work on in my life, yet they have to be kept on being put on hold as I work with this process. I find it frustrating as I ‘want to get on with my life’, yet this is my life, and I am committed to working with what is present.

I went to gym, did 3 Body workout and a run this morning, and felt better for doing it, even though I had to drag myself to the workout. Whenever I feel confused, I want certainty, and I start to want to make plans and set new goals and get things in my life. Then, I remember that it’s confusion driving the decisions, and not clarity. So, my turnaround always comes when I stop running from the difficult feelings, and instead start to open to them, start to breathe them, and begin to work with them. I still believe that decisions are best made from a state of clarity or inspiration or love, and not as a result of trying to avoid what is arising within me.

Generally I am okay with the kundalini process, but it’s not fun, and I would suggest that anyone who is trying to awaken kundalini should be armed with a support group, some competence in all the tools in the ILP kit as well as some more, and a capacity for endurance. I did not try and awaken this; it happened after several years of meditation, traveling, Holosync and Ken Wilber. What started as a journey to understand myself well enough so that I could end up a financial success with a beach house and a beautiful wife, has meandered into the nitty gritty of painful, disciplined and relentless practice in order to manage this transformation. It feels like three steps backwards and one step forward half the time. If anyone is reading this, and they are going through a similar process or its beginning for them, then you are most welcome to email me and chat about what’s happening.