Throat Chakra and Surrender

I am lying in meditation, deeply relaxed, slightly lucid. My attention is drawn to my throat, and my throat starts to vibrate. It vibrates violently and my jaw chatters up and down..

I am trying to eat something and its gumming my jaw together. I think that if I chew it will pull my teeth apart.

A small boy's father has had an accident. It happened recenty, in July. I am filled with sadness for the boy. It was a freak accident. The father was sitting by a sauna with a basketball which he threw at the sauna wall. The ball bounced back and exploded by his neck. He is injured and his wife, who is very wealthy, is having to spend a lot of money on medical costs, as they don't have medical insurance. The boy's family is experiencing poverty.  I see them getting off the MRT. The boy is short and his father is also short. The father seems allright; he just can't speak.

I have had a lot of pressure in the back of my neck and in my throat area. My throat area has been twitching and there have been nadi releases in my neck for about a week. Its about 5 days into this round of tension. It's always unpleasant. This morning I awoke with a cracking headache. I did a little reading about the throat chakra on the internet, and it has to do with finding your voice. (I thought that I was speaking fine!!). I have a secret desire to sing, yet I have the singing capacity of a brick. I was the only kid at school who wasn't allowed to be in the choir. I found myself very tired yesterday and last night. I managed to go the gym today, and had a great run of 7 km. I set the timer on the machine for 35 minutes. I wanted to run a little further than I have been, to push through a barrier. I have been running 30 minutes maximum recently, and so the extra 5 minutes was a psychological barrier. I find that pushing beyond some type of limit in one area of life often helps me to push through limits that may be arising in other areas of life. It's a sign to myself that I am prepared to put energy and effort into breaking through, into going beyond. As you approach a limit, things tend to get more and more uncomfortable.   

So, exploring this voice. My strategy is to hold my attention on the area of my upper back/lower neck, and start writing. If I keep writing then sometimes the unconscious often emerges into awareness. One thing that I read on the internet was that the opening of the throat chakra was the opening of the dialogue with my Higher Self, and a necessary step in the creative process. This week has been a fascinating week. Last weekend, I came to the end of my ways. I surrendered to Spirit, to Christ, to God. I reached a point where I realized the futility of my ways, and that everything that had happened to me was due to the grace of God, and God moving through me and around me. I had been through many years of claiming my power from the world and finding it within me, and I had become my most powerful when I was broke and living in a dormitory. I had nothing, and I made a conscious choice to write and to pursue my destiny, irrespective of conditions around me and irrespective of what I had. There had been a further movement recently as I pulled back more and more of my power from where I had vested it in the world. Then, finally, I came to a place of surrender. I had had several weeks of dreams, increased kundalini activity, and in the dreams, water was pouring into the house, I was living on a beautiful island, indicating that some transition of self facilitated by self was occurring. To make the final transition, the futility of my old ways, of my small self, had to be fully recognized and felt, the hopelessness of my ways had to be felt, and I had to totally trust and surrender to allow myself to make the transition. I came to a cliff, and I had to jump and fall, trusting that I would be caught, yet not knowing if I would be. It was a terrifying transition, yet necessary. So, I realize now that I don't have control. I still have desires and wishes; I know now that they are granted and bought about by the grace of God, and not by me. I have been deeply at peace this week (most of the time), and I am deeply curious about the future. I don't know what is going to happen; there are things I would like, but I don't really know yet. I have some intuitions, however, this process of healing needs to complete itself, and then I suspect that the next stage will reveal itself.  There is liberation on the other side of surrender. The reliance on the ego is dropped, and there is an ease, a lightness, a trust. To surrender, it has to be unconditional, with absolutely no trace of any desire for anything. It is without condition and without petition. God does not bargain. God demands your absolute and full trust and surrender. Anything less, and you will keep yourself in separation from Spirit, blocking the grace of Spirit from descending into you. You have to come to a place where there is no way to turn, and you pray the prayer with 100% sincerity "Not by my power, but by yours." And then, you listen with judgement and without expectation. Everybody has their path, and suspect that if you desire the Lord, he will first strip you, shred you, take everything away from you which you value until there is nothing in this world for you to rely on or to hold you, and when you are naked and defenceless, then you are open enough to accept the Divine Grace. It may be that you lose all your belongings, it may not be. It was only through failure and losing many things that I was able to be shown how tightly I was holding onto these artifacts of existence. So, this week, I keep coming back to the moment, keep coming back to the prayer of surrender, keep reminding myself that the freedom is in letting go. The freedom is in letting go.

It's been a long journey into this place of surrender. I have desired God and surrender to God for a long time. However, I have not been prepared to give up my conditions. I have always bargained with God, and finally, I stopped bargaining. It's only by the grace of God that I am here, and I have no control over the outcome of Gods wishes. I have also prayed for a direct connection to God, for a direct connection to my Higher Voice. I wish to be in line with the will and intelligence of God, and perhaps the opening of the throat chakra will be the establishment of that connection. I don't know yet. This entire process has been a journey that has lasted longer than I wanted, it has cost more than I had, and if I had known what I would need to go through and how relentless and painful it was going to be, I would have thought twice about ever reading that first book on Buddhism. Still, it's all been worth it, every step of the way, and I see that's it's the only journey that my soul, my heart, has ever deeply desired. That desire has driven me for years and years, through daily solitary practice, because it's been in my heart, and the heart gives energy for sustained, massive action. When you find your heart, then the energy will never run dry. You may be tired somedays, and you may get distracted, but the heart will always keep bringing you back to your path of destiny. I used to wonder if we were born with an innate intelligence that would show us the way through life. I believe that we are. You have to find that which naturally (effortlessly) interests you and causes you to grow, and then you have to keep doing it. Your natural interest is your spontaneous desire. This is different from engaging in habitual activities that do not cause you to grow. Your heart pulls you forward, and you must learn to listen to it. The heart may speak in many voices, so if you are called toward art, for example, then begin to do art. Don't drop everything else just to paint; rather, let art develop inside you and be integrated into your life. It may be that your heart desires you to study art for six month just to open your creativity or to meet someone, so be careful of projecting your fantasies for the future onto your interest. You don't know how it's all going to turn out. Just trust that you must do what your heart is calling you to do, and allow your expectations of the outcome to be dropped. To do that, keeping an open mind is useful, and meditation can help you develop an open mind.

So, what would it be to be in constant dialogue with the voice of my Higher Self?