Reaching your goals, focus and relaxation

If I want to co-create the results that I want, then I need to be clear where I am directing my focus. By co-create, I mean that we depend somehow on the world around us to support us in realizing our goals. When I have motivation to do something, then there is a natural tendency to take action towards the outcome that I want. The key then, towards attaining any goals that I want, is to be clear on the outcome that you want, the motivation for reaching that outcome, and then to stay focused on that outcome and to take actions towards that outcome when opportunity arises, all the while knowing that any results are ultimately out of my control. This leads to a paradoxical situation of ‘surrendered action’. For example, if I want to get a girlfriend, then the outcome would be to be in a relationship. My motivation may be a desire to share my life with someone, and that will drive my actions towards the result I want. I will start to naturally open up, notice women, accept invitations, socialize, and so on.

The above example is an ideal situation. The catch is that we live in a world where things are not so squeaky clean. I often fell in two problems (there were many more, but two is a good place to start here). The first problem was that I lied to myself about my motivation. How would this play out in the girlfriend example? I may have had the noble idea that I want to be in a sharing relationship, but if my deeper motivation is self-centered, and all I really wanted want to do is get laid or to avoid being lonely, then I get myself in a fix. Essentially, I am lying to myself as my mind creates an idea of self and what I wan that is not true, and my problem is that I don’t know I am caught in my own web and have hung myself up to dry. So, if I meet someone, or if I do get into relationship, the lie will reveal itself sooner or later and things will get messy as I try and be something I am not and my real self starts to reveal itself, and I start clinging and getting into power plays and all that stuff.  Or alternatively, the women I think I want won’t be attracted to me, as they will intuitively know that I cannot be trusted.

The second situation that would occur is I would have a deeply vested competing commitment in not getting into a relationship. I may feel the desire for connection and relationship, yet I may have unconscious aspects of self that believe it’s unsafe to be in a relationship. I may have had bd experiences before, or I will be worried about what my mother will say, and so on. So, I will prevent myself from getting into relationship by making excuses why partners are not suitable, not going on dates, sabotaging emerging relationships, etc,.

Uncovering these hidden motivations, and learning to be truthful about what is driving me, is a multifaceted process. So, where is a good place to start to unravel the confusion, when you are in a situation, and you want to create a good life for yourself?

The first step for me, as unappealing as it seems, is to assume that the present moment, and the present structure of our experience, has all the keys which I need in order to create movement in my life. It means stepping out of the mindset that I need to have something, be something or achieve something, and accepting that everything I need is right here in my thoughts, my feelings, and my interpretations of the world around me. IIt means temporarily letting go of my immeadiate desire to take action towards my goals, and stopping to look inside for a while. It means unconditionally letting go of the thought ‘I will be ok or happy when….’ and replacing that thought with ‘I am ok now’. Even if it’s difficult to accept this, then at least I stay open to the idea. If I can accept this, then it means I have to stop and look at the driving forces within me. I have to be with the uncomfortable feeling that is arising, and making me think that the present moment is not okay.

Staying with myself is the difficult part, and also the biggest turnaround that I can make. I somehow have to not indulge in the stories I tell myself which are connected to my difficult feelings, and I have to stand in the face of my own fire, so to speak. It’s like seeing a dog that is going to bite you and letting the dog come near, yet even though the dog seems 100% real, there is a faith that the dog is nothing but a phantom and will dissolve when it touches me. However, as the phantom dog gets nearer and nearer, the urge to run away increases, and staying present is like trying to hold onto a horse that wants to bolt.

I become deeply curious about any difficult emotions or physical symptoms that may be arising, and I explore the ‘not okay-ness’. If I can hold the awareness, then I will penetrate to the root of my conflict. As part of the process, I may need to associate with any experience that is arising within my field of awareness that I perceive as not belonging to me, but to someone else. For example, if I think my boss is a power hungry dickhead, then I need to find my desire for power within me and to feel that. If I think my colleague is an asshole because he obviously stares at co-workers buts, then I need to find the part in me that is sexually attracted to those around me. An excellent process is the 3-2-1 Shadow Process, found in the Integral Life Practice kit, where the resolution comes from facing that which you wish to avoid or are fixated to, and then being that which you are fascinated by. A good rule of thumb is that anything which makes you want to avoid the present, and distract yourself with something or some type of certainty, is shadow material.

If I have the willpower, mental stability and awareness to penetrate into myself, I willeventually  find the real root of my motivation, which will be revealed through an insight, a dream or a connection to some stimuli in the environment. It usually doesnt take more than a couple of days, and maximum a week for the deeper shadow stuff. The painful part is the physical tension in your muscles that you often have to sit with for a few days as your unconscious tries to repress yor authentic desires. Finally though, there will be resolution. When that happens, I will feel okay, and at peace. Gradually, through repeatedly following this process, I have come to increasing levels of fullness and wholeness and I am predominantly okay, just as I am. To be honest, it took me quite a few years of meditation and self awareness to slowly burn through a lot of this karmic rubble. Slowly, as I observe my thoughts and feelings, a liberation from what I mistakenly thought was myself occurs, and I realize that I am not my thoughts, not my feelings, and not my body. I am not who I thought I was, and so, an inner revolution of consciousness occurs as I settle back into my true identity, and I relax into my unchanging Self, that is the untainted holder and liberator of all experience.

So, does this mean that I don’t do anything, and just keep bringing my awareness to whatever motivation arises, and sit on a rock somewhere, with the goal being inner peace?

Well, I could play ‘mountain mountain’ if I felt like it. However, there is a natural desire to create and become. There is a natural desire to grow, to enrich and to bring benefit to others. There is a natural desire for our lives to gravitate towards increasing states of beauty, fullness, love, wholeness, truth and service. As I become more deeply okay and increasingly relaxed into my true Self these natural desires emerge, and they carry with them the motivation for the action to embody and realize these things. And so, I naturally start to take action towards these outcomes.

Doing so, I am at peace, as my resistance to whatever is arising increasingly becomes less and less and I am increasingly more deeply relaxed, moment by moment. Because my resistance is less and less, I am able to move in unpredictable and creative ways in response to what is happening around me, instead of in response to my conditioning. I have found the peace that I desired. I can take a type of effortless action to my goals, as my natural life energy spontaneously expresses itself. The funny thing is, it takes effort not to express myself, and so effortless means more a type of action without resistance. Its like being in love, where there is an open engagement with whatever you are doing with your partner, and time just flies by. There is still challenge and problem solving and increasing strength, but they are actions taken joyfully, not out of duty or willpower.

The other really cool thing, is that, when resistance has been dropped, then essentially I am in a state of surrender to what is arising around me, and I am open to whatever occurs. I am trusting the life process to flow through me and around me, and I relax deeply into that. If I acknowledge that there is a loving intelligence much greater than my little mind that wishes to love and support me, then in my surrender, I can trust that intelligence to guide me and support me in the realization of my desires. I am part of a process much greater than myself, and I am that process as it unfolds through me and around me. My body and mind works together with my soul, to create the outcomes that I desire, or rather, are desired through me. No outcome is guaranteed. No matter what, I am at peace. It’s all okay anyway. So, in a nutshell, learn to make friends with yourself, relax, and follow your heart, moment by moment. It’s not much more complex than that. 